The Rapaport Report

Well after last week's hilarious miracle (or "hilaricle" if you will)--a double dose of new episodes of The War At Home--you would think that the cowards at FOX would make the move permanent. However, as last night only brought us one episode, it is clear that FOX execs are determined yet again to ignore America's mandate for more Rapaport. But perhaps this is wise? As you should already know, this past weekend brought us Earth Day. "What does that have to do with Rapaport?" you wonder aloud. Well it's a simple matter of advanced physics. You see, one episode of The War At Home is infinitely hilarious. That's manageable. But airing two episodes that are both infinitely hilarious on the same night, with only half an hour respite between? Well, you get the picture. The laughter that ensues disrupts not merely the ozone and the icecaps, but the very fabric of matter. It's akin to one black hole sucking another black hole into it, and vice versa, simultaneously. Luckily it was Easter, or otherwise the results would have been devastating. Suffice it to say, airing one episode a week just might be a matter of safety. That being said, I reiterate that FOX execs are cowards. If we're still driving Hummers, pouring mercury into all our fresh water, and basically ignoring all the warning signs nature gives us with a big silly grin, then why should a little thing like the destabilization of the universe stop us? But hey, that's just one man's opinion, which happens to faithfully represent the opinions of every single American with a television. So go ahead and ignore me, FOX, and reap the whirlwind.

All that said, I must applaud Rapaport for another job well done. If you missed last night's poignant episode, the eldest son Larry ran away from home, the youngest son Mike got a girlfriend, and daughter Hillary had her entire life ruined not once but twice in the same half hour. While the show started on a hilarious note, with a mighty fine teenage anorexia joke, it soon delved deep into issues that all modern American families face, such as "what if my teenage son wants to watch Lord of the Rings on ice?" and "what if my slutty daughter gets called a slut by some anorexic bimbo slut at her school?" and "why won't my wife quit busting my balls?" If you missed the episode, then I guess you don't know the answers to these questions, and the rest of us can (and should) look down on you for it. Also sassy wife Vicky dropped an F-bomb during the episode, censored of course by those sons-of-bleeps that kowtow to the FCC. I don't understand it, this whitewashing of a realistic depiction of family life. If you want to turn Rapaport into Ozzie Nelson then you got another thing coming. All together, it was another fine episode of The War At Home, and another notch in Rapaport's belt of successes. By the way, if you can't wait for the rerun season, video clips from the show and from behind the scenes moments can be viewed at http://www.fox.com/warathome/. Finally, the Internet is meeting its potential!

Trivia: That is not a metaphor; Rapaport actually wears a "belt of success" that he adds notches to with each new project. He may have to retire it soon, however, as his triumphs eclipse his waist size. Nobody can say our hero is anything but fabulously fit.